When I decided to start writing again, I had to come up with a name for my journal. It doesn't sound like a difficult task, I think that I'm pretty darn creative. But there are so many great names for blogs out there already. I was experiencing "writer's block" in that first moment of this project, before anything had been written.
I sat there for a good while and just couldn't come up with anything. So I moved on to thinking about the types of things I would write about. I came up with a list of several topics about things that were going on right now in our lives. One of the topics at the top of that list was about going through the process of searching for a new job. As that thought came into my mind, I felt a block hit the pit of my stomach. I was immediately nauseated with the fear of having to send out resumes and getting rejected before anyone actually met me. But the thought of interviewing followed by rejection after they met me brought on even more nausea, now I was dizzy too. But, after all, that was the process of the job search that everyone goes through.
I know this process well. I have been on the selection side of the table for many many years. Every time I would call to let someone down about a job they had interviewed for, that nauseated feeling would come back. I just hate that part of the job, but it was part of my responsibility as an HR leader and hiring manager.
So, here I am today, actively seeking my next career adventure. I've already experienced that feeling of anxiety. I'm anxious about whether or not my resume will be good enough to initiate the first call, will my handshake be firm enough but not too firm, will I be able to discuss my past experiences in a way that impresses the "judges"....I was having that "me, pick me" feeling. You know the one....the feeling you get when the two team captains start picking kids from the line-up to create their kick-ball teams. You stand there, thinking "Please don't let me be picked last. Me, pick me!"
It's funny to think that this scenario isn't just what we experience as kids. We still experience this as full-grown adults. We even experience this as parents. As parents, I believe most of us would agree that we've had the "Please let my son get picked for the starting line-up. Him, pick him!" Or "My daughter is talented enough for the lead part. Her, pick her!"
But when they are not picked for the starting line-up or the lead in the school play, our parenting skills kick in. Yes, we are probably as disappointed as they are, if not more. But this is where I begin reassuring my child of how talented they truly are and that if they keep trying hard, some day they will be the lead or on the starting line-up. Or maybe we decide to find a different sport that is better suited to his talents. Or we explain how important the co-staring roles are to making the lead role successful. Essentially, we begin teaching our children how to cope with this type of rejection so that when they are in their "mid-life" (as The Boy has labeled me) and facing this again, they don't completely get derailed and are unable to bounce back.
So back to the job search.....so here I am sitting in front of a man who is a good 10 years younger than me, who has been trained up through the big 10 consulting world and now holds the title of COO at a fast-growth start-up. He's interviewing me for the HR director which would report directly to him. This would be the first time in my career that I would have reported to someone who is not in the same generation, or who was at least a little older than me. Wow, what a sad realization......
The first question out of his mouth was, "So, what brings you in today?" Huh??? Didn't you know I was here to interview?? Right then and there I should have excused myself, but I stayed just to get tortured through the rest of a painful 30 minutes. He asked two more questions - about my one strength and one weakness. Hadn't he read any leadership books lately??? Anyway, needless to say, the perfect job for me would have been terrible because of who I would have reported to. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if he was qualified for the COO title that he held.
I went home after the interview knowing that it was not going any further than today. But the feedback of "not enough energy and not confident enough" hit me like a brick. I was having that "being picked last" feeling. As a seasoned HR leader, I knew exactly how to interpret his "constructive" feedback, or lack of it. He wanted someone who was younger, arrogant and knew a little less than he did. So, I say, "Good luck, to ya, young man!"
I'm really not bitter at all, that's how it goes sometimes. I started having that same conversation with myself that I have with my children, the reassurance conversation. "The company was too far away." "Although I could do the job with my eyes closed, he would not have been easy to work with." "Did I truly want to get back into an 80-hour a week gig, NO!" "It was just not meant to be, so move on with your bad self."
So, I've successfully moved on from that interview and have really had some great conversations with other companies who have been a bit more respectful about the hiring process. As I go through this experience, I am learning how to cope with being a middle-aged professional and have already started brainstorming on how I will be able to train new leaders to interview properly and without bias.
Back to coming up with a name for my virtual journal....As I sat there reviewing my topic list, it came to me. "Me, pick me!" I knew that was what I wanted to write about with this experience and I was sure it would come up when I talk about parenting challenges. So there you have it. The name of the new blog.....
With the last sip of my morning coffee, I'm going to sign off now. Thank you for listening to my rant today....until we meet again......
